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My Top Ten greatest Christmas Movies of all time
Welcome to Backseat at the Drive-in. I’m going to give you my top 10… Hold on I’ve been checking out this guy on the right of us. He certainly isn’t in the back seat and he’s not positioned behind the steering wheel either. Regardless I’d have to say at first glance he’s definitely in the “driver seat”. But to tell you the truth I don’t think it’s really what it seems. I think he’s just diverting her attention so he can snatch that bag of popcorn. Or maybe he has, as we call in the vernacular a “weak lip” (can’t kiss from the driver’s side of the car). So he makes a lame excuse to go get popcorn and comes in on her side of the vehicle. This is what we called, back when I was “Carousing”, poor Drive-in etiquette. An extreme lack in basic fundamentals. This move completely gives away his entire game plan.
No, no, no, on second thought I think we’ve way over analyzed this. The answer is as plain as the look on your face. It’s right there in front of us! The simple answer is… he’s right-handed! As dictated by the position of his hand. Not only is this man not lacking in drive-in skills I would venture to say this gentleman’s a professional.
With all my years of Drive-in experience and a “Keen Eye” for all the chess moves that are choreographed in the back seat of an automobile. I believe our contestant is foregoing first base and bypassing second base and positioning himself for a full frontal attack on third base!
This maneuver was unheard of back in the day, not to mention illegal in 15 states. Back in 1967, as outlined in my celebrated bestseller “How to round the bases without ever leaving the backseat”. I explained that there were only three attempts of this kind in the entire United States during the 50’s and the 60’s and only one turned out successful.
The first recorded failed attempt,1956 Percy Long Hollow of Tupelo Mississippi at the Pretty Pig Wallow Drive-in while watching “The Ten Commandments”. A lot of things had to go right for him to be able to pull this off (no pun intended). His night ended in the emergency Ward with three broken fingers on his banjo picking hand and six miserable weeks sucking his grits through a straw with a shattered and wired up broken jaw.
1961 East Orange New Jersey, Slick Mahony tried his hand at what seemed “the Impossible ”. With, to his surprise, a little Mafia princess at the White Chapel Drive-In while watching the movie “Some Like It Hot”. Rumor has It you’d have better luck finding Jimmy Hoffa then you would finding poor Slick.
The one and only successful attempt in these United States was performed by Orlando Ramirez of San Jose California in 1969. Watching the Walt Disney classic “Bambi” at the aptly named Los Gatos Hot Tamale Drive-In. Upon completion of this celebrated achievement word spread through the drive-in like wildfire. Car horns were honked and fireworks were set off. The snack bar gave away free chicharrones. Sadly at intermission, while returning from the snack bar, Orlando was crushed by a huge stampede of young coeds and autograph seekers. Rushed to the emergency ward, while laying motionless on the gurney, the last words out of his mouth were “those Fucking Raiders!” With that the last free chicharron fell from his dead hand marking the end of a true legend.
This story always brings a tear to my eye. I am truly emotionally spent. You’ll have to forgive me and I will continue with my top 10 Christmas movies at a later time. Thank you for your understanding.
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